One year later…

A year ago I was about to graduate from Teacher Training.

A year ago I decided I was going to leave my job, I couldn’t tell much people. I told one by one. And I took the Ohs and Ahs as they came. And then I told them I was going to leave anyway. 

One year ago I went into survival mode: If I don’t do this now, I will die.

A year ago I felt strong and alive and happy, and I felt like this would last forever. And although I don’t always feel strong, I do feel alive and happy, and it has lasted forever (so far).

A year ago I was trying to put together a plan. I didn’t see the upside up or the upside down, I didn’t see a side at all. It was like a huge marble block, with my statue waiting inside for me to carve it. I knew I wanted to quit working like I was, at the same time work kept coming and I kept doing it to the best of my ability, but it lacked heart. I didn’t find anything in it that I would want to continue doing it for.

On the other hand, yoga, gave me all the energy I needed to go through that wave. It was like filling my lungs with air before the next one. About the same time last year, I started adjusting people in class to assist other teachers. I started knowing my shit (or at least I thought I did). I started feeling confident and got every single day a confirmation, this is what I want to do. Everyone started asking me if I would open a studio after teacher training. And also after the diving certification, will you open a diving school?. But that would have been like opening a heart surgery hospital after the first year of medical school. 

A year ago I was about to go home to Mexico for my 30th bday. I was planning a party with friends and family and I was planning my Rescue Diver cert. I was booking a house on the beach in Mexico for holidays with my family. I was looking forward to get in the water and dive. I didn’t know I could be an instructor. I didn’t know I wanted to, and I didn’t know I would. I still don’t know if I will. But I want to.

A year ago I started researching Indonesia. And Indonesia kept popping up, at the dentist’s cabinet in the magazines of the waiting room. My colleagues talked to me about it. It just kept flashing at me. I didn’t know I would go, and I didn’t know I would want to go back. And I still don’t know if I will. But I want to.

One year later, I have been teaching yoga for (almost) a year. I have done the Rescue Diver cert. I spent 2 months in Indonesia, studying yoga, drinking green juices, downing every single coconut that got in my way and doing my Divemaster certification. So much has happened and I am about to get on a flight to Mexico again, to dive, again, to do yoga, again.

One year later I want to speak about the transformation that I went through ever since yoga touched me. And today, during a class some students adjusted me, and I could feel their inexperience,their raw sweet intention, their beautiful lack of precision, and it filled me with awe, I saw myself in them, I saw myself a year ago. When I was scared to touch people’s feet. When I thought the students were more advanced than me and I wouldn’t adjust them, because they looked so sure of themselves. I saw the hesitation, and the stuttering of their moves. I saw them, the way I felt a year ago, about to adjust someone, and then backing up, maybe thinking, it’s too late, or rather not.

I felt their lose touch, and I wanted to tell them this:

Your touch will become firm, your thoughts will become sharp, you will control time, and rhythm, your students will follow, your class will be full, you will sweat, you will cry, and laugh. And one day someone will ask you questions,and you won’t know the answers, or some you will, but not all. One day, a year after, you will look behind you and you will see a trainee thinking if they should adjust you. One day, in a year or so, you will realise a year has gone by, and you are your true self, sharing your love through yoga. One year later you will laugh when you make a mistake, you will improvise when you forget, you will touch people and when you will do so, you will ground them if they are missing that, you will give them balance, if they are missing that, you will give them security, if they don’t have that. You will touch a student and you both will become one, like the horse and the jockey, it’s not the horse who jumps, it’s not the jockey either, it’s both. In this same way you will make your students fly. You will talk to them about your weaknesses, and your strengths, you will be open and reassured, that everything is going to be ok. Do not be afraid, you chose this path. Don’t doubt yourself. Be yourself. And remember, before assisting another passenger, place the mask over your mouth first. If you are not grounded, if you are not strong, if you are not stable, when you touch your student you will transmit it, so every time you approach, find that split of a second, to place both feet on the ground, use your bandhas, and then take their hand and show them the way. You are already amazing. And I hope you see yourself as amazing as I see you today.

I am far from being perfect, the way it is supposed to be, but it is now one year later… 

Advertisements